Separate Idiots
by Luna-Starr
Summary: Ada is a woman of many mysterys. Who's side is on, anyway? And can she save someone as dumb as Leon? A parody off of Separate Ways.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Not owning Resident Evil. Or Prada. Or Metal Gear, Batman, Drawn Together, Matrix, And James Bond. Basically if it has a copyright, not mine.

Luna: IM BACK! AGAIN! Alright, after major cases of writers block I've RETURNED! Those of you who haven't read my " RE4: Infected w/ Dumbness" fic won't understand why Leon's so out of character or why Ada is. SO I suggest you read that first. Also, if your gonna flame me cause you have no sense of humor or cause I 'bash' the characters; your wasting your time. Anyway, read and review!  
Chapter 1: Ring the Church Bell!  
"…I've been sent here to get evidence of the cult." said Ada, to herself, " To get Plaga samples. But staying in the shadows was never my style. Except when he was in the shower. ANYWAY…I'll have to drop by and give him hints eventually."

Ada was hiding behind a house in the village, watching a random police man roasting on a stick like a marshmellow and the random farmers tending to the chickens. Suddenly, she was spotted by 2 Ganados.

" YARGHHH!" cried one, pissed.

Ada shot her Grappling Hook ripped off of Batman and tripped both of them with her flashy moves. That's when her Codec, also ripped off of Metal Gear; bleeped. It was everyone's favorite British, bleach blond Benedict Arnold; Wesker.

" Wesker, their everywhere," said Ada, " And there wasn't even a red carpet to welcome my arrival."  
"…Right. Ada, stop trying to be witty." said Wesker, blinking, " Anyway, their all being controlled. Ring the church bell and they should leave for Bingo."

Ada blinked at her boss' stupid joke and shrugged. That's when she heard a crappy handgun fire. Without even getting a good look at him, she knew it was Leon. Who else would bring a crappy handgun with one pack of ammo to a village of infected, Spanish speaking psychos?

" Kennedy Kick Of Doom!" screamed Leon, as he kicked one of his offenders.

" Leon…" she said, breathlessly.

The Ganados had surrounded her by this point, but luckily Ada had half a brain. She had the BlackTail and an awesome, ghetto shotgun. She mowed down a couple, then took a page out of Leon's book of 'I'm-so-much-cooler-than-JamesBond-and-the-Matrix-combined' and fan kicked them.

" Wong Kick Of War!" she cried, her wit as sharp as that of a butter knife.

How Leon could not hear Ada and her gun shots is beyond me. I mean, they weren't THAT far from each other; they were in the same damn village. Come on now!

She fired her Black Tail and ran about, the endless villagers intent on killing her. That's when Ada spotted something shiny on the roof. That was also when Leon had stupidly gone into a building. THE building. The one that triggered the chainsaw guy. Ada heard the chainsaw and Leon's crap pistol shots. How a handgun could hold off a chainsaw guy was beyond her and me for that matter.

Ada used her Grappling Hook and grabbed the shiny, which just HAPPENED to be the Insignia Key. Grinning, she rammed through more villagers and unlocked the door. She was confronted with a cloaked man.

Ada's first instinct was to kill, but then he flashed her and said " Welcome, stranger! Got a selection of good things on sale!"  
" How am I strange?" asked Ada, " Am I the one selling weapons in an infected village?"  
" Yeah, but who the hell wears a red cocktail dress and stilettos on a top secret mission?" asked The Merchant, " So are you gonna buy something?"

" Point taken…"

Ada looked at his selection and drooled on the TMP and Rifle. Unfortunately, she was flat broke. Grumbling, she shot him and decided to take all his weapons. Except when he died, she, for some reason beyond her understanding; could not take them. Shrugging it off, she ran down stairs into the cave area.

There, the Ganados gave her a warm welcome in the form of knives, pitch forks, and torches. She returned the welcome with bullets and some WKW s. Eventually, Ada ran into the grave yard area.

" YARGHHH!" screamed one Ganado.

" That's an insult." said Ada, shooting him between the eyes.

She raced to the church doors, only to find them locked. She was smarter than Leon; true. But not smart enough to equip Ghetto Shotgun and bust the doors down. Sighing, she went the different path where Ganado woman and men jumped at her. Ada shot them off the ledges, smiling at her cleverness. Until she saw something shiny. With a chainsaw woman guarding it.

" Damn…" she said to herself, " Leon, you better be alive. I didn't stalk you for 2 years for you to die."

Equipping Ghetto Shotgun, Ada shot Mrs. Salvatore off the ledge. Then she grabbed the shiny Cats Eye.

Ada ran all the way back to the puzzle with the glowing dials, on a never ending quest to save her boyfriend. She turned the dials until she wished to pull her hair out of her head and throw herself on the floor from frustration. Luckily, it unlocked; the plate to open the Church doors were visible. She pocketed it, as the gates slammed shut, trapping her with 2 Ganados. Sighing, she finished both of them off.

Ada then put the Cats Eye on the dias so she can leave, and inserted the plate into the doors. There were some Ganados praying.

" Oh Great Plaga," said a male Ganado; Steve, " Please hear my prayer to make Brittany DIE. She's a horrible, sick, nagging wife!"  
" Oh Great Plaga," said a female Ganado; Brittany, " Please hear my prayer to make Steve DIE. He's a horrible, sick, nagging husband!"  
Just then, both their prayers were answered as Ada shot them both in the head. Ada climbed up the ladder in a frenzy to save Leon's ass. His hot, tight ass. She took down all the Ganados in the name of love, sick, twisted, stalker love. Until she ran past a door…a door in which she heard whimpering.

_Must be Ashley, the president's daughter. That whore better not touch Leon…_thought Ada, bitterly.

" Hey! You better not touch Leon or I'll take off your Pradas, shoot them and then shoot you." said Ada, venomously.

" What…? Who?…Wait! You speak English!" cried Ashley, " HELP! GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

Ada automatically regretted saying this, for all Ashley's screaming attracted the attention of more Ganados. She killed them effortlessly, and then moved on to the colorful puzzle. After she completed it, the church bell rung.

**Meanwhile**

All the Ganados that were attacking Leon suddenly dropped their weapons and left.

" Where's everyone going?" asked Leon, feeling lonely, " Bingo?"  
**Ada's Mission After word:**

" Here's what I know for sure. Leon's still as ADD induced as even more sexier than he was last week. I mean…Osmund Saddler's cult is known as the " Los Illumdious". They resurrected some parasitic organism; that's all Umbrella- I mean; my organization; knows for sure. Though Saddler's cult activies seem worthy of investigation; Leon's activity of drinking only once before he eats is more worthy of investigation. Umbrella's theory; I mean, the organization's theory is that the Plaga are controlled by super sonic waves that are similar to that in dog whistles. When I suggested we blast angry rock music to render them useless, they laughed at me. I've seen cult leaders carrying around ceremonial rods…at least I hope their ceremonial rods…Anyway, Um-THE ORGAINZATION needs samples to prove whether their right or wrong. The opening moves have been played. I can't turn back now…"

Luna: SO what do you think? I would've done this sooner, but I figured the Ps2 version wasn't worth it; but a friend let me borrow it. Review! And I'll update regularly!


	2. Rescue Luis!

Disclaimer: I own natta.

Luna: YAY REVIEWS! Okay, sorry about my bad grammar and spelling…I was in a rush to write the first chapter BUT I will try harder not to mess up. Anyway, here's Chapter 2!  
Chapter 2: Rescue Luis!

Ada was bored. So she restored to reading some conviently placed books in 'The Big Cheese's' house. That's when her Codec bleeped.

" Ada, we have a problem," said Wesker, " It seems Saddler has captured Luis. He's no use to us dead, we need the sample. Go, save him."  
" That Spaniard? Pssh. And I thought I was high maintained." she commented.

"…Are you racist?"

" No…"

" Are you going to call me a Brit now and say 'bloody' every other word?"  
"…No."

" Maybe I should ask you if you'd like egg rolls with that?"

"…Okay, I get it-"

" And then I'll accuse you of not being able to drive a car-"

" Alright! I GET IT! I'll go save the Spaniard's brown ass now! Which is neither hot or tight!"

Ada quickly hung up before Wesker could further lecture her on the wrongs of discrimination. She took another look at the book shelf and sighed, " I wish I could read more of these…"  
" That's right Ada. When one's in a village with infected psychos, go ahead and READ." I said, dryly.

Suddenly, the Reading Rainbow background music played.

Ada drew her Black Tail and said, " Show yourself!"  
"…Sorry. Can't."  
Ada stood her position for several seconds, gun aimed. Then she shook it off and walked right into the Merchant.

" Got a selection of good things on sale, stranger!" announced the Merchant.

" Didn't I kill you?" asked Ada, stoic.

The Merchant blinked.

" No, that must've been Merchant #324."

" Oh…"

Ada had enough shiny things to buy herself a Semi-Auto-matic Sniper Rifle. Just think, if Leon moved his ass, his hot, tight ass; a little faster, think of all the awesome weapons he could of bought.

" Thank you! Come back, anytime!" he chirped.  
" And why would I want to do that?" she asked.

" Geez, stranger. Do you have to question everything?"  
Ada didn't like back talk. So she fired a warning shot. Into his head. And she found that she still couldn't frisk his corspe- hey! Wait til I'm done with the sentence before you start thinking that! Let's start again…She found that she still couldn't frisk his corpse for any weapons.

So Ada quickly explored the rest of the house, and found herself in a kitchen. Whether it be curiosity, stupidity, or both; she opened the oven. Low and behold, a trapped chicken was in there that ambushed Ada. Startled, she shot it. Dead chicken.

Ada, who's breakfast was stereotypical of egg rolls and rice; was contemplating deep frying the chicken. But then she saw the golden egg it left behind. Ravenous, she ate it. Whole. With out choking. I guess you could call it a talent…?

Stomach filled with magical golden egg, she explored more of the house.

" WAMAPKSAOPK!" screamed a Ganado. Or the English translation : " OMGBBQ THERES SOME WOMAN IN A RED DRESS THAT KILLED BARNEY! GET HER!"

Barney, for those un informed; was the chicken Ada had shot. So the Chainsaw guy and regular; run of the mill Ganado busted down the doors in an attempt to avenge their beloved chicken.

But Ada had Ghetto Shotgun, and proceeded to bust caps in everyone's asses. Sadly, Barney wasn't avenged. Ahh…Cruel fate.

Ada ran all the way to the farm when she was attacked by Grandpa Ganado. As in the one with the glasses. They swarmed, she shot them as they put their hands up against their faces to protect themselves. That's right, your hands will stop steaming lead from leaving a hole in your head. Not like it'll pass through it or anything.

All the Ganados dead, Ada was bored. She could be reading now, but noooo. She had to find the stupid Spaniard. Remembering why she was here, she took out a lock of Leon's hair from her pocket and inhaled deeply; the musky scent of Herbal Essence lingering in her nostrils. I think I speak for all when I say 'creepy'. And yes, he used Herbal Essence. How else do you think he got his hair so soft and shiny?

Refreshed, Leon's serial stalker marched onward. All the way to some collapsing huts. Ganados that had found the fun of fire works saw her approach.

" Tsk, tsk. didn't your momma ever tell you not to play with fire?" asked Ada.

" But their sparklers!" cried one Ganado, " Here! Look!"  
The Ganado threw it at her, and Ada ducked and rolled. She expected an explosion and entrails confetti. She got neither. Ada looked at the stick, and it indeed was a sparkler. Shiny and white.

" You IDIOT!" screamed another Ganado, " That's a SPARKLER! It isn't dynamite! OH Plaga!"

" But it was…shiny." said the previous Ganado.

Before the more rational Ganado could comment, Ada shot them both; dead. Bored again, she went into another crappy hut. When Leon and Luis were carried out, both knocked out; by some Ganados.

Sighing, Ada realized if she just stood at the mansion, reading, like her lazy ass wanted to; they could've showed up anyway.

Nothing worth mentioning happened until Ada returned to the village. There she spotted a Ganado. Wearing Leon's jacket. THE jacket.

" You! Where did you get that!" cried Ada, pissed, " Do you know how much he loves that jacket ever since the president gave it to him when he conned him into this whole conspiracy ridden, suicide mission!"

The Jacket wearing Ganado, Don Perdo; blinked at Ada's outrage.

She shot him with extreme prejudice until the jacket thief was dead.

Ada left to get Leon…and that Spanish dude. She reached the mansion and peered into the window, eavesdropping.

" Hey, we seriously got some Americano to pay 500 bucks for that jacket?" asked Ganado number 1.

" Damn right! Some…Alfred guy." replied the 2nd one.

" But where is the jacket?"

" Don Perdo said he was gonna take it out for a test drive before he sold it."  
" WHAT?"  
Ada's Leon senses were tingling as she witnessed him at the window. Being choked by the " Big Cheese". Again.

Ada, being the supportive, stalker girlfriend that she is; fired rounds into Cheese's back. He let go of Leon and jumped out the window after her. Ada was cornered, and suddenly shot by an arrow.

"…Leon…"

Was her last words as her world went blank.

Luna: DONE! REVIEWS MAKE ME HAPPY! Thanks for the reviews, I LOVE YOU ALL!


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